Someone you're able to have a good time with + not codependent = girlfriend - sex
Someone you would rather not be around + constant drama = girlfriend + sex.
As such, I have decided that all the negative connotations are bullshit, and have devoted myself to a harem: a harem of women who do not exist. These are 11 fictitious characters that I am in love with more than the actual people in my life, because I am deranged. They are:
#11: Harley Quinn (Batman Animated Series)
I didn't really follow the Batman Animated Series much. Maybe caught an episode or two. But I was definitely into it enough to notice that one of the villains he was fighting was totally hot. Why didn't she get her own series? I would have watched it way more than I should have.
#10: Leila (Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust)
Vampire Hunter D is about this quiet brooding half-vampire, who hunts his own kind. So basically it is everything that is not stupid about vampires. In the second movie, he is in competition with a band of mercenaries who have with them one fine vampire hunting lady named Leila. She’s kind of butch and macho for a chick, and I would let her hunt me all day long. She is more manly and more sexy than anything in recent vampire anything. Take notes Twilight.
#9: Princess Sun Lian/Silk Fox (Jade Empire)
In Jade Empire you are running around trying to find your lost master. Along the way you meet several characters who join you. Princess Sun Lian (or Silk Fox) is one of them, and while she spends most of her time berating you for being a wuss, she spends the rest of the time being attractive. If you are despicable enough, you might get a romantic cut scene with her. Score!
#8: Rosalyn (Calvin and Hobbes)
As a kid, I read Calvin and Hobbes for two reasons. One was that it was a very relatable comic strip of higher quality than most, and the second was that I was enamored with Rosalyn, Calvin's babysitter. She was bossy, and authoritarian, and I would have begged her for more, please god, more. I was jealous of her boyfriends (who were mentioned but rarely shown) and spent many hours that I should have been paying attention in math class daydreaming about murdering Rosalyn's boyfriends so that we could be alone together once and for all. That and drawing robots.
#7: Cortana (Halo)
People either like Halo, or they hate it. Those who like it do so because of online gameplay. I like it because in the campaign there is a shipboard AI who is manifested as a sexy... hologram. And while many might find her constant nagging a pain in the ass (Cortana: "Hurry up, chief, there isn't much time!" Me as Master Chief: "I know, but killing all these assholes is fun, so shut the fuck up.") I actually found it quite enlightening. Especially when I was totally lost and she finally gets bored and basically takes you by the hand to where you need to go. Sadly, even if Cortana did exist, and I was a manly Spartan and not a doughy asshole, she would still technically be a woman I was in love with that didn't exist.
#6: San (Princess Mononoke)
This movie is one of my personal favorites, but I'll be honest it wouldn't have as much appeal if it didn't have the super-hot wolf princess San in it. Here's the story: Forest spirit, blah, blah, blah, humans at war, blah, blah, blah, destiny something, Super Hot Wolf Princess San! Now you don't have to see the movie if you don't want to.
#5: Ahsoka (Star Wars: The Clone Wars)
Since I've already admitted to being both a pathetic loser who falls for fictitious characters, and a pedophile, I have no problem including Ahsoka on this list. Since in the Star Wars universe, padawan is equated roughly with being a whiny incompetent, it helps if said padawan at least has some potential hotness going for her. Though I'm sure her inclusion was to scar future generations of losers (see Rosalyn above), she has managed to scar a current loser as well. Thanks Lucas, you big, rich fuckface.
#4: Bastila (Knights of the Old Republic)
Another character from a Star Wars series, only this time it's the game Knights of the Old Republic. (Leia and Padme have been excluded because they are both way too obvious, and were really sexy for a total of five minutes each in the movies, i.e. Leia as Jabba's slave.) Bastila is a friend and mentor in KOTOR, and like Sun Lian above, spends much of the game chiding you when you do “evil” things, such as accidentally murdering some annoying NPC, even if the game requires it for the story to move forward. My only real complaint is that the Jedi Order needs to look into updating their wardrobe for female members. Perhaps Jabba has some ideas, huh?
#3: Maria (Vexille)
Vexille is yet another anime movie and it has yet another sexy heroine. But unlike other anime fare, Maria gets points by not being overtly sexual. In fact she's rather plain, by anime standards, which makes her even hotter if that makes any sense. No bulging flak jacket, no going into battle wearing a bikini. She's all business, and that business is making me a brain-dead sex zombie. Thanks Japan, your plan to slowly turn America into a nation of fat losers is becoming a reality, one jackass at a time.
#2: Psylocke (X-Men)
Any of the X-Women would have worked here: Storm, Jean Grey, Rogue, Jubilee, Emma Frost, Moira MacTaggert, etc. Hell, even the female villains who were supposed to be ugly weren't really. But in comics it's all about the artist who is doing the rendering. And for me, Jim Lee was the master of being able to draw every teenage boy's fantasy. And the pinnacle of his success was Psylocke: an Asian ninja assassin with British sensibilities. Anywhere else, this would have been a train wreck, but in the X-Men with Lee's artwork it was a masterpiece. And she actually does go into battle wearing a bikini. Hooray for not having to worry about injury or death!
#1: Mirielle (Noir)
Psylocke and the other X-Women would have been an easy #1, had it not been for Mirielle, from the anime T.V. series Noir. Unlike many anime features, Noir is reality-based, meaning no aliens, robots, or floating rabbits that start screaming for completely random reasons. It is also subtle, inferring rather than showing some outright hardcore lesbian action. Mirielle is one half of a team of assassins for hire, who get caught up in a Mason-esque secret society's plans. There are plenty of gunfights and stabbings, but the high point is getting to see Mirielle face off against her childhood tormentor; a very sexy lesbian who runs the mafia. One million points to whoever thought that episode up.
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