The World Aflame

11 Fictitious Women That I Am In Love With

2010-02-27T19:23:00.017-05:00

Most people spend their lives looking for that perfect someone: that counter to their own selves, the yin to their yang. It's a nice happy fantasy. The reality can be demonstrated in the following cold mathematical formula:

Someone you're able to have a good time with + not codependent = girlfriend - sex

Someone you would rather not be around + constant drama = girlfriend + sex.

As such, I have decided that all the negative connotations are bullshit, and have devoted myself to a harem: a harem of women who do not exist. These are 11 fictitious characters that I am in love with more than the actual people in my life, because I am deranged. They are:

#11: Harley Quinn (Batman Animated Series)

I didn't really follow the Batman Animated Series much. Maybe caught an episode or two. But I was definitely into it enough to notice that one of the villains he was fighting was totally hot. Why didn't she get her own series? I would have watched it way more than I should have.

#10: Leila (Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust)

Vampire Hunter D is about this quiet brooding half-vampire, who hunts his own kind. So basically it is everything that is not stupid about vampires. In the second movie, he is in competition with a band of mercenaries who have with them one fine vampire hunting lady named Leila. She’s kind of butch and macho for a chick, and I would let her hunt me all day long. She is more manly and more sexy than anything in recent vampire anything. Take notes Twilight.

#9: Princess Sun Lian/Silk Fox (Jade Empire)

In Jade Empire you are running around trying to find your lost master. Along the way you meet several characters who join you. Princess Sun Lian (or Silk Fox) is one of them, and while she spends most of her time berating you for being a wuss, she spends the rest of the time being attractive. If you are despicable enough, you might get a romantic cut scene with her. Score!

#8: Rosalyn (Calvin and Hobbes)

As a kid, I read Calvin and Hobbes for two reasons. One was that it was a very relatable comic strip of higher quality than most, and the second was that I was enamored with Rosalyn, Calvin's babysitter. She was bossy, and authoritarian, and I would have begged her for more, please god, more. I was jealous of her boyfriends (who were mentioned but rarely shown) and spent many hours that I should have been paying attention in math class daydreaming about murdering Rosalyn's boyfriends so that we could be alone together once and for all. That and drawing robots.

#7: Cortana (Halo)

People either like Halo, or they hate it. Those who like it do so because of online gameplay. I like it because in the campaign there is a shipboard AI who is manifested as a sexy... hologram. And while many might find her constant nagging a pain in the ass (Cortana: "Hurry up, chief, there isn't much time!" Me as Master Chief: "I know, but killing all these assholes is fun, so shut the fuck up.") I actually found it quite enlightening. Especially when I was totally lost and she finally gets bored and basically takes you by the hand to where you need to go. Sadly, even if Cortana did exist, and I was a manly Spartan and not a doughy asshole, she would still technically be a woman I was in love with that didn't exist.

#6: San (Princess Mononoke)

This movie is one of my personal favorites, but I'll be honest it wouldn't have as much appeal if it didn't have the super-hot wolf princess San in it. Here's the story: Forest spirit, blah, blah, blah, humans at war, blah, blah, blah, destiny something, Super Hot Wolf Princess San! Now you don't have to see the movie if you don't want to.

#5: Ahsoka (Star Wars: The Clone Wars)

Since I've already admitted to being both a pathetic loser who falls for fictitious characters, and a pedophile, I have no problem including Ahsoka on this list. Since in the Star Wars universe, padawan is equated roughly with being a whiny incompetent, it helps if said padawan at least has some potential hotness going for her. Though I'm sure her inclusion was to scar future generations of losers (see Rosalyn above), she has managed to scar a current loser as well. Thanks Lucas, you big, rich fuckface.

#4: Bastila (Knights of the Old Republic)

Another character from a Star Wars series, only this time it's the game Knights of the Old Republic. (Leia and Padme have been excluded because they are both way too obvious, and were really sexy for a total of five minutes each in the movies, i.e. Leia as Jabba's slave.) Bastila is a friend and mentor in KOTOR, and like Sun Lian above, spends much of the game chiding you when you do “evil” things, such as accidentally murdering some annoying NPC, even if the game requires it for the story to move forward. My only real complaint is that the Jedi Order needs to look into updating their wardrobe for female members. Perhaps Jabba has some ideas, huh?

#3: Maria (Vexille)

Vexille is yet another anime movie and it has yet another sexy heroine. But unlike other anime fare, Maria gets points by not being overtly sexual. In fact she's rather plain, by anime standards, which makes her even hotter if that makes any sense. No bulging flak jacket, no going into battle wearing a bikini. She's all business, and that business is making me a brain-dead sex zombie. Thanks Japan, your plan to slowly turn America into a nation of fat losers is becoming a reality, one jackass at a time.

#2: Psylocke (X-Men)

Any of the X-Women would have worked here: Storm, Jean Grey, Rogue, Jubilee, Emma Frost, Moira MacTaggert, etc. Hell, even the female villains who were supposed to be ugly weren't really. But in comics it's all about the artist who is doing the rendering. And for me, Jim Lee was the master of being able to draw every teenage boy's fantasy. And the pinnacle of his success was Psylocke: an Asian ninja assassin with British sensibilities. Anywhere else, this would have been a train wreck, but in the X-Men with Lee's artwork it was a masterpiece. And she actually does go into battle wearing a bikini. Hooray for not having to worry about injury or death!

#1: Mirielle (Noir)

Psylocke and the other X-Women would have been an easy #1, had it not been for Mirielle, from the anime T.V. series Noir. Unlike many anime features, Noir is reality-based, meaning no aliens, robots, or floating rabbits that start screaming for completely random reasons. It is also subtle, inferring rather than showing some outright hardcore lesbian action. Mirielle is one half of a team of assassins for hire, who get caught up in a Mason-esque secret society's plans. There are plenty of gunfights and stabbings, but the high point is getting to see Mirielle face off against her childhood tormentor; a very sexy lesbian who runs the mafia. One million points to whoever thought that episode up.

That's a lie!

2009-09-09T22:33:00.004-04:00

In the middle of a speech to a joint session of congress, the President (the first real president we've had in eight years) was interrupted briefly by a town hall, tea party asshole shouting "that's a lie." Oh wait, no, that was no town hall hooligan. That was a SENATOR FROM SOUTH CAROLINA. Proving that the south has absolutley no redeeming value whatsoever, Senator Shitface (R, South Carloina) decided that the best way to publicly display his lack of any kind of education, and incompetance at a job that he gets paid for (paid far too much it seems), was to heckle the president and call him a liar publicly. Let me see if I can wade through the southern, scumbag, non-intelligence on display and understand this. After eight years of the most lying, secretive, and condescending White House this country has ever seen, Senator Fuckface thinks that it's a good idea to call Obama a liar because Obama said that health care reform will NOT cover illegal immegrants, which is a completely accurate statement. Brilliant, Senator Dickhead. Thanks for giving me one more reason to want to remove the south from the country like the cancerous tumor that it is. The previous fake president had a laundry list of lies that you never questioned, but when Obama says something that is TRUE you think that he is lying. Whether or not health care reform is passed, I think that this congressman should have all heath coverage mandatorily revoked, so that he may rid us of his dead weight. And that goes for the rest of the south as well. Stop holding us back because you're mad that we "progressives" can walk upright.

Republicans hate facts.

2009-08-23T20:53:00.005-04:00

The health care "debate" has proven that there are two kinds of people in this country: people who understand how to discuss differences of opinion in a productive way, and republicans. Thus far, every argument made by the Grand Torture Party has revolved around statements that are, to put it mildly, completely fictional. As such the "debate" has become the equivalent of trying to convince an insane person that there are not gremlins in the sewer system that are trying to kill humanity so that they can come to live on the surface. You just can't do it, no matter how hard you try. It wouldn't be a big deal, except that now, many of the crazy people are public officials responsible for important facets of our daily lives.

If the Torture Party wanted to be truly productive in this project, they would be raising concerns about how the plans would be paid for, and how to stop businesses from simply dropping their own health insurance for employees, thereby forcing people to use the public option. (Side note: for as much as the Torture Party goes on and on about government "forcing" people to do whatever, it is more often the businesses that they profusely defend that forces people to do anything. Any time legislation is passed that in any way helps workers, businesses twist it and throw a temper tantrum like a bunch of babies. See FMLA and how ever since that was passed, employers rarely offer their employees sick days. Because employers are a bunch of cumstains.) But instead, we get a bunch of hillbillies running around spouting angry rants of bullshit because they're mad that there is a black president, and if he actually does well, it will lead the way for more minority presidents. What's next? A GAY president? Oh my fucking god! These people, as annoying as their very existence is, should be allowed to say these idiotic things. But where are the intelligent people in this debate? Where are the "freedom rallies" for thinking people? I do believe in the freedom of speech no matter what moron is opening his mouth, but I would like to defend the freedom of speech for people who actually use their gray matter on at least a few occasions. Come on post-neanderthals, where are you?

And can we stop dancing around the issue, and call a spade a spade? Stop crying about "taking America back," or "stopping big government" and just say what you mean: "I hate that there is a black man in the White House." Just say that, and I wouldn't have more respect for your white-power ass, but at least you'd have your integrity.

Racism is still alive and well, for some reason.

2009-08-05T19:13:00.003-04:00

With all the accusations of racism, and reverse racism, being thrown around, it's obvious humanity needs a primer on the subject. Apparently no one understands what racism is, but, fortunately for you drones, I am here to help.

First of all: Yes it is possible for people other than white males to be racist. This is not, however, reverse racism it's just plain old racism. You see racism is judging one's character or worth based primarily on skin color or ethnic background. So a black man saying that all white people are racist is racist. It's not fucking rocket science. I do find it amusing when pundits (i.e. idiots) use "reverse racism" as some kind of industry buzzword, because it implies that, yes, all white people are racist, and anyone who says so is racist. It's a fucking stupid thing to say.

Second: Being a racist when you are caught up in the heat of emotion is still racist. If a chinese woman cuts you off in traffic and you mutter to yourself: "Fucking chink woman driver..." you are being racist. Being angry doesn't justify your racism, otherwise lynching would be perfectly legal. In fact, I would venture a guess as to say that all racism occurs (or originates from) some douchebag being angry at someone who is not like them.

Third: Not getting your ass kicked after muttering some racist nonsense by a person of the offended race is not a license to continue being a moronic racist. If you tell a joke about black people to a black man and he doesn't kick your ass (or even worse, he laughs) this does not absolve you of your bigot guilt. This is an extremely common justification, most often used by a group of white dudes who told a racist joke to the one black guy in the room, and the black guy didn't try to fight them all. If a white guy found himself in the middle of a group of black guys, and one of them told a particularly scathing joke about white people, I guarantee you that white guy will be roaring with laughter (for fear of getting the beating of his life). Do you now see why this is not a justification?

Fourth: Not everyone shares your idiotic views. Racist minorities assume that all white people are racist. Racist white people assume that all minorities are secretly racist and that all other white people are as racist as they are. Guess what, jackass: it isn't true. There are in fact people on this earth who have either realized how ultra-idiotic racism is, or were born with enough brains to have known this all along. There are minorities that don't fucking care if some white dude drives through their neighborhood. Ther are some white people who don't fucking care if the new neighbors are not also white. (Some would actually prefer to try to decipher broken english or jive to the ignorant rantings of redneck neighbors.) So, racists, stop compounding your stupid by believing everyone to be as dumb as you are.

Fifth: You are not different. This may be a bitter pill to swallow, racists, but the fact remains. You are no better than the person/race/ethnicity/culture you are bashing. For every poverty-soaked, three-million-children having, nasty-ass-apartment living, welfare-taking minority there is an equal number of poverty-soaked, three-million-children having, nasty-ass-trailer living, welfare-taking rednecks. For every upper-middle-class, materialistic, uptight, snobbish white person, there are an equal number of upper-middle-class, materialistic, uptight, snobbish minorities. Do you want to know what else all of these people have in common? They are all intellectual bottom-feeders who need racism to make them feel better about their failure at life.

Sixth: The fact that racism still exists, let alone takes center stage in almost everything is something that we should be ashamed of. Congratulations humanity, you've failed your basic proficiency test. You've been given thousands of years to study, but instead you wasted that time masturbating to cartoons and drinking vodka by yourself. The reason that this is such a pathetic failure is because it's not that hard to fix. Here, I'll give you the formula, and it's really easy: "no one cares." The next time some racist monolgue fills your tiny brain, just repeat those words until you've forgotten what you were thinking about, and go on about your business of watching NASCAR or listening to Kanye West. And please, try to stay the hell out of the way of the rest of us. We have shit to do that actually serves a purpose.

5 Conservative Blogs That Will Make You Dumber Just By Reading Them:

2009-07-19T16:58:00.005-04:00

1. Atlas Shrugs

Besides the fact that it was named after the shitty book that seems to have presented a central theme for republicans over the years (greed is good), Atlas Shrugs is a blog by Pamela Geller who's credentials include... well it seems she has the same credentials that I have (i.e. none). Somehow she's managed to scam her credential-less ass into some public-speaking gigs. But as for her blog, it becomes pretty obvious what her agenda is (but conservatives don't have an agenda, only liberals, gays, and terrorists have agendas...), so let's look at the most recent posts.

Iran Revolution Day 30 Here's one about a woman who was arrested and raped by Iranian police after a protest. Okay that's not too bad. Probably a good story to get out there.

Ah, here we go. In the same post we get to the “Obama is a terrorist, muslim, dark-skinned, anti-christ” post. Wow, the Decepticons are going to cling to that song until their dying day. So here we have the “story” about President Barack Obama (no mention of pentagon, armed forces, or congressional officials is made, as if Obama was sitting in the Oval Office late one night and said to himself: 'You know what? I'm going to randomly release Iranians..”) releasing five Iranians who had been detained by U.S. Forces for ten months. Despite everyone in the world saying that these five are not terrorists, but were in Iraq as guests of the prime minister (that would be the democratically-elected prime minister), the Cheney regime argues that these five were in fact members of Iran's revolutionary guard and helped plan and train for attacks on U.S. Forces. There doesn't seem to be much evidence either way, though I have a hard time believing that the U.S. would just release five men accused of attacks on U.S. Forces if there was hard evidence proving it. Of course Obama is a muslim after all (false). That said, this story seems to say more about the Cheney regime's refusal to try anyone they detained in public rather than Obama releasing arab people who may or may not be terrorists.

The Real Reason Obama Did not Go to Kenya on His Africa Tour: And here we get to the heart of the conservative Obama-hate. Obama linked to an evil Kenyan dictator. Of course! Obama is half-Kenyan after all, and since all people who come from nations not called the United States know each other it makes perfect sense. (Note: Obama was born in Hawaii, which is in fact a part of the United States. He's as much from Kenya as my white ass is. And all Decepticons who are insisting that he is not a U.S. citizen should just stop, because it only makes everyone realize what a douchey idiot you are.) The problem is that everything about this story is false. It comes from some asswipe's book on Obama that failed even the basic editorial task of checking one's facts. Obama didn't support either party in Kenya, and during his visits shared a stage with both party leaders while speaking on such evil topics as AIDS awareness in Africa (something Bush did as well, because he, too, is evil). Also, as if to further drive home the point that idiots are given book-deals, the violence in Kenya has been attributed to numerous parties. Look it up at Factcheck.org if you want. Good journalism work Decepticons!

2. The Conspiracy to Keep You Poor and Stupid.

If “Atlas Shrugs” was an homage to “greed is good” then The Conspiracy to Keep You Poor and Stupid is a big, fat oral gratification to the economic elites of the world. Author Donald L. Luskin is in fact one of many fast-money, investor advisors who own a great deal of responsibility for the economic bullshit we have today, by forwarding a myth that investing in the stock market is the way to a comfortable retirement at the very worst (which couldn't be further from the truth). And, like giant jackasses, these idiots refuse to even acknowledge the utter wrongness of that idea.

“…anyone who says we’re in a recession, or heading into one—especially the worst one since the Great Depression—is making up his own private definition of recession.”
- Donald L. Luskin.

So basically the gist of his blog is: “Pity we rich people, for we have it so hard. If only everyone else would just accept it. I'm rich, I don't understand why everyone else isn't rich too...” What Luskin won't admit is that he, and many like him, are rich because they lack integrity, honesty, and are willing to do things that are shady. Of course he sees every policy, article, argument, or opinion as an attack on his “hard-earned” riches, and seems to think only the rich pay taxes (uhhh... what?) Obviously he's anti-worker, anti-tax, anti-health care, anti-anything moral. Apparently, to Luskin, the country would be better off if we just recanted every law and let everyone scam each other, and see who comes out with the most money. On health care he repeats tirades that must be required study materials for all Decepticons. I totally forgot how our current system is doing so well. Luskin doesn't seem to be in a rush to mention how health care costs in our current system negatively impact businesses (that would be devastating to his argument...). But he does go on to state how cost-shifting is going to force private companies to jack up their rates. To paraphrase numerous republicans when responding to pro-worker anything: “If they can't be competitive then they deserve to lose.”

3.Tigerhawk

This blog on the surface looks pretty normal for a Decepticon. Some posts about current goings on, with some criticisms thrown in. What's the problem? Well take a look at the archives. Posts made pre-2008 are all how awesome the west under the George W. Bush regime is. After 2008, and suddenly we're in iminent danger of collapse because of liberal policy.

This guy (or girl, or tiger, or hawk), like all Decepticons, likes to ignore one glaring, unforgiving reality: Conservative policies have failed. Miserably. You guys needed no help in crippling western civilization. And to act like it all went south circa November 2008 is frighteningly ignorant.

4. IMAO (In My Assholish Opinion, or whatever)

For gun nutsacks, commie-haters, people who think treating animals humanely is somehow a breach on their freedom to enjoy burgers, or all three this blog is for you. Let me just say first off that I don't buy it. Whenever I hear the truly empassioned opinions of ultra-conservatives, it's like that guy who's pretentiously artsy just to be purposefully annoying. They aren't really artsy, they just play it up. That's what this blog makes me think of. I'm not saying that this guy (or collection of guys? I would say "people" but that would be politically correct and wah, wah, wah...) has a secret stash of Marxist readings that he hides from his friends, but I think he takes his posts over the top on purpose. It's a kind of "look at me" syndrome that almost all teenage girls have. It's annoying when its a teenage girl; it's just sad when it's a forty-year-old dude.

So his posts range from fellating guns to the old Decepticon habit of calling people who aren't racist racist. The Sotomayor posts are numerous, and they all say the same thing: "We don't like Sotomayor because she's not a white male, and everyone who does like her is racist. We'll just completely ignore her actual credentials, and then blame liberals for focusing on race..." How do these arguments get made anywhere without a swift MMA style beating not immediately following? Hey white guys: cry me a river. You want to know why a latina woman was nominated? It's because all the old, white asswipes your boy Bush nominated were useless idiots. It's not a hard equation. Do you really want to bring up the Constitution while we have Judge "Consti-What?" Alito on the Supreme Court. That jackass couldn't comprehend a menu at Denny's if he had someone read and explain it to him.

Basically I can sum up this entire blog in two sentences, and save everyone from being made dumber just from reading it: Sotomayor is racist. Obama is a womanizing racist. Done. You can thank me for never having to visit this blog on your own later. (Side note: I always find it hilarious that people who worship Ronald Reagan as God, make fun of people because the Reaganophiles think they worship Obama as God.)

5. doubleplusundead

Let me see if I get the logic of your second post here, doubleplus: Iranian law forbids executing women who are virgins, so some guy force-marries and rapes sentenced women on the night of their execution, because an agenda-fueled website says so. Well hell, let's nuke the whole region because obviously every Iranian is guilty. I mean, it's not like it is over here in 'civilized' western nations where we have freedom, and no one is ever falsely accused, executed because of false accusations, or raped. Only barbarians do that! Let's invade! This kind of anti-thought gives me a headache. I have a better idea. Let's invade ourselves because some communist propaganda film from the sixties explicitly shows that Americans eat their children. We must protect the kids!

What else do we have here? Oh look, more "I'm a giant racist, so therefore Sonia Sotomayor must be too..." posts. At least here, we get an admission: "Seeing as how I'm just an ignorant white male, I'm not wise enough to tease out how that makes any goddamn sense. Stupid me." Good job, doubleplus. At least you're honest.

And here we come to the crux of Decepticon thinking: "Look, I bet this was just a clerical error, but any opportunity to mock the lazy fucktards in the O-Ministration must be seized. That's what those fucking dipshit syphilitic bastards of a fucking motherless whore did to Bush every time some low level hack who never even met the President would fuck up, so let's pay them back." Let me be as clear as I can on this, so that the Decpticons don't get all confused and start calling me a racist. No one mocked the Bush regime. The Bush regime and their lazy, non-intellectual approach to everything did that for us. And pointing out that the Bush regime's terrible, failure-soaked ideas were just that is not mockery. It's reporting. Does that mean Obama won't fail spectacularly? I don't know. What I do know is that if he does manage to pull this country out of the republican-induced tailspin, we should get ready for a resounding Decepticon chorus of: "It's the Bush tax cuts, and war on terror(tm) taking effect."

The employer guide to not being assholes.

2009-07-09T19:05:00.004-04:00

Everywhere you look, there are rules. Some make sense (don't walk in front of moving vehicles), and some are plain stupid (don't say bad words). But there seems to be one group relatively free of these kinds of restraints: employers. Unlike everyone else, employers have two rules (and they may or may not follow them, however they choose), and those rules are: Don't be racist, and don't fire people for being handicapped. The fact that these had to be written out for anyone is proof that only the stupid are allowed to run businesses. Considering that most people have large documents full of rules that they MUST follow (most employees get a one-hundred page handbook that basically says: "Do all this stupid shit, or you're fired. And even if you do comply, you could be fired anyway"), I've decided to give employers their "employer handbook." Failure to comply with these standards is grounds for stealing all your shit, and calling off work on Friday because we couldn't wait until the weekend to start drinking.

*Special note: this guide is not only for employers, but anyone who finds themselves in an employer-like position, i.e. a customer. Whether purchasing goods, or services, these guidelines will keep you from getting spit-like substances in your Whopper.

Rule #1: Don't act like tyrants.

This is very easy. Just because you pay someone for something does not make you a royal prince who should be having their ass wiped with golden toilet paper. Can you refuse the service/product if said service/product that you are paying for is of a quality that even impoverished children would refuse? Yes, you can. Can you expect above and beyond what the product/service provides including free extras? No you cannot.

Examples:

If an employee crashes your company's server because he didn't get the porno = virus memo, it is acceptable to discuss your displeasure in civil tones.

If there is no work to do, it is NEVER acceptable to expect employees to do your menial shit, such as sweeping your floor. You may ask for volunteers, but you cannot demand such a thing.

Remember! Imagine if you called a plumber to fix your toilet at noon, but the part you ordered wouldn't arrive until four o'clock. Would you make the plumber mow your lawn? If you said "yes," please proceed to punch yourself in the face until you are unconscious for everyone's benefit, because you are part of the problem. Also remember! Always be civil. Raised voices, threats, and talking down to are never allowed unless death and/or injury are involved. The next time an employee misplaces a box of tape rolls, and you want to explode on them, calm down and realize that no one gives a flying fuck about your tape rolls.

Rule #2: Basic essentials are NOT optional.

Working equipment, safety gear, and descent facilities must be provided. If it is impossible to provide these things, then stop doing business. Expecting the employee to provide these things for themselves is out of the question, unless the employee is properly compensated. To keep things simple: don't expect your ten-dollar-an-hour workers to buy their own screwdrivers, earplugs, safety gloves, laptops, pens, ink, etc. Also, clean your restrooms once in a while (don't expect your employees to do it for you - see rule #1).

Rule #3: Shit does in fact happen.

Life is unavoidable, no matter how many delusional people think otherwise. Cars break down, traffic is terrible, alarm clocks don't go off, machinery breaks down (quite often if you insist on using machinery that was high-tech in nineteen forty goddamned five), things get lost, and so on. Acting like these things don't happen, or that employees should know in advance of these things happening in insanity. So stop it.

Rule #4: Not all circumstances are the same.

An employee who is five minutes late on a rare occasion because their car broke down is not the same as an employee who is late every day of every month because of a drug addiction. An employee who accidentally deletes one important memo because of a momentary lapse is not the same as an employee who deletes every important memo because they can't read. And before you say: "But if you treat them differently, the second employee will get mad and possibly sue," let me say this: If the second employee gets mad, I concede that you should have the right to bitch-slap them every day for a month. If they sue, it's because you treat their drug addiction and/or inability to read as if they came into your office, gave you the finger, and then shit on your desk. Everyday life shit happens (see rule #3).

Rule #5: Memoes and meetings solve nothing.

When things go wrong at your workplace, the immediate reaction is to write memoes or hold meetings or post signs lecturing all employees about some frivolous mistake "so that it doesn't happen again..." This is the least productive thing you can do with your time. These things fail to work because they miss an important step in the Problem Solving Method that gives almost all employers a boner. That's the "research and address the problem" step. Throwing a fit via memo, sign, or lecture/meeting does neither because in order to "research and address the problem" you must LISTEN. Speak to the affected employees, and refrain from rehashing your favorite porn scene in your head while they are talking. Two civilized adult discussing in a rational way does far more than one rational adult and a stupid sign.

Rule #6: Your shit is ultimately worthless.

Since the popular trend is to "think of employment as owning your own business" this rule applies to all paying customers. Whether you are buying a DVD player or someone else's time and effort, the shit you are buying, selling, or making is worthless. When you die, all of your stuff is going to get thrown away. Remember that the next time you want to get vein-popping angry over something as trivial as "who keeps leaving boxes in the wrong spot" or "why are there only twenty shower curtains when there should be twenty five." Getting mad about these things only proves that your parents don't love you.

The World Is A Shitstain.

2009-06-29T17:54:00.002-04:00

Several things have happened since my last post, and I don't want to cover any of them. No new gripes, just the same old shit: Work (is dumb), people (are dumber), and politics (tries to explain the dumb and ends up sounding dumbest). Working is a bad joke, republicans suck, and people are unimpressive. I think I've covered these bases already, and since the world is so full of shit, I have nothing new to report. Things remain pathetically the same. Way to go everyone!

Technology is dumb

2009-06-09T17:05:00.002-04:00

I am a technology dork. I like things that make my life easier, and/or make my entertainment easier (and cheaper). But it seems technology has hit a wall that doesn't allow for really cool things to happen anymore. Case in point, search any technology news source and what is everyone talking about?

Is it some awesome Linux distro that's going to make Windows its bitch?

Is it a new website where all the information you might ever need in your lifetime is made readily available and searchable?

No its something far, far more stupid:

Twitter.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Americans are being wowed by a service that lets you post texts for all to see giving up to date info as to what you are doing? And you think we don't need some kind of mass extermination? Let me put this as mildly as I can... Nobody needs, cares, or wants to see anything about what you are doing. Ever. Even your parents don't love you that much. There are absolutely zero people on this planet who might actually be interesting enough to use this service. I don't care if Jesus Christ himself returned to the earth. I don't want him updating in real time his everyday activities. Here, I'll save everyone some time:

The Most Interesting Person in the World is watching T.V.

There you go, you idiotic drones. You've been updated.

What's the other "hot" thing in tech these days? Something that would give Twitter a run for its money in the "further proof the West is in bad need of some genocide" category. iPhones and their "apps."

Examples of the most popular iPhone apps (from Apple's website): ringtones, movie trailers, and sticky notes. People, you have reached all new levels of suck. Where are the apps that will really serve a purpose. Apps like "You're being a cockface meter/alarm," or "Learn how to spell, asshole," or my personal favorite "automated phone user sterilizer." These apps would actually serve a purpose instead of intellectually pushing humanity closer to their ape cousins.

And to double the useless quotient, you can download an app to your iPhone so that you can Twitter. Someone drop the bombs, please.

The World Aflame is contemplating defecting to Al Qaeda, and wondering why all new technology must be given the dumbest names possible.

Welcome to serfdom.

2009-05-25T14:34:00.006-04:00

More about work.

After reading The Maniacal Laughter of the Damned by Randy Vaughan (found here, go buy it and thank me later) I have come to another realization. Yes, another one. Apparently I didn't know as much as I thought I did. But my realization is this:

We don't live in a democracy. No, we don't. We don't live in the greatest county in the world. At least not anymore. I don't know when it happened, or if it has been this way all along and no one has noticed. But the fact of the matter is we live in a feudal system. That's right, America, you haven't even gotten out of the middle ages. True we no longer bleed people with leeches when they get sick. But other than medical issues, we haven't gotten past the knights on horseback. Okay, we don't burn witches at the stake anymore either. Actually, that's not true, we just don't call them witches these days (we call them terrorists, blacks, Jews, gays, or whatever group of people we arbitrarily decide are "witches") and we use long range stake-burning if we can afford it.

Think about this. In feudal society you have nobles who own the land, and serfs who work the land. The nobles receive all the profit from the lands, and the serfs get the chance to continue working the land and not have themselves and their families starved. If the serf in any way doesn't like the noble's way of doing things, or summarily, the noble doesn't like the serf for any reason, the serf is dismissed from the lands, and must either find another noble who will allow him to work in exchange for not starving, or starve.

Now look at "modern" American society. We have business owners who instead of owning the lands, own the lands, and buildings, and equipment, and we have workers who instead of working the fields, work the fields, or buildings, or equipment. The business owners receive the profit from the lands, and the workers are allowed to keep working and not starve. We've just exchanged working for food to working for paper credits that let us buy food. In other words, the settings change but the story remains the same.

And I've heard the saying: "That's just the way it is..." as if this system is perfectly acceptable simply because it would be hard to change things. True, you and your family might starve. But that's the kicker. You might starve even if you resign yourself to the fact that your life is in the hands of the "nobles" anyway. These "nobles" could very easily decide one day that your haircut is bad, and you are exiled from their lands.

Is that really the best we can do? How is that in any way acceptable? "You make me rich and I may or may not keep you from starving." That's what we're being told every day that we go to work. Every day that we accept this so-called inevitability. "You do all the work, and I'll reap all the reward." If someone on the street proposed that to you, would you just do it? No, I don't think you would. You would at best tell that person to kiss your ass. And then you would go on about your day doing all the work so someone else could reap all the reward. That makes perfect sense.

Basically, what I'm saying is that its time the rest of America caught up with our medical sciences. Stop being serfs. If these nobles don't want to let you reap the rewards, then let them plow their own fields. We might all starve, sure. But we might all starve anyway, so why not?

(By the way, here's Randy Vaughan's website, for any interested.)

The Torture Party: Party of Bad Ideas

2009-05-14T20:40:00.004-04:00

The Republican party (also known as the Torture Party) is desperately trying to make everyone forget that their policies have failed miserably. They're doing that by coming up with even more mind-numbingly stupid ideas. At least they have ideas, right? Here are the latest three pieces of evidence that proves Republicans are insane:

1. Rebranding the Democrats as the Democratic Socialists.

First of all, let me say that, unlike ninety nine percent of the hillbilly asswipes out there, I don't think socialism, communism, or Marxism are automatically wrong. This country was brainwashed during the cold war to have this knee-jerk reaction to these ideas, and since the majority of this country is retarded, it was easy to just say: "Yeah, socialism bad." But if these zombies were to put down their guns and read a book (also known as hillbilly kryptonite) they might realize that not everything about that philosophy is terrible. In fact a lot of it makes fucking sense. But that's not even the point. The point is that no matter what you think of socialism, to say that democratic politicians are socialist is fucking dumb. I would venture a guess to say that these rich dipshits are anything but. Do you think Pelosi, Kerry, or even Obama would want to empower workers? Really? Not when the capitalist-class-run companies fund their campaigns. This is just fear-mongering nonsense peddled by Republican ass-talkers to scare their base. (And by base I mean inbred, uneducated hillbillies who will melt into puddles of dung should they ever come near a library.)

2. Secession.

Now that a black president is in charge of the country, and is in need of support to roll back the horrendous policies of the deposed regime to set the country back on track, Texas decides its time to show their defiance by threatening to secede from the United States. Well, guess what Texas: good riddance. Bye! See ya! Have a nice trip! And take the rest of the south with you. Every state south of the Mason Dixon from the east coast to Texas can secede, for all I care. And this time, instead of flipping out and ending up in a civil war because a bunch of rich white people are upset that a black person did something with themselves, this time we should let them go. Maybe they'll form a great new country that will prosper and grow, and prove that all of us smug non-rascist assholes were wrong and conservative values do actually work. Or they'll collapse beneath the weight of their own idiocy and be conquered by Mexico. Bienvenido a México, Texas

3. Tea parties.

This idea has got to be an all time great. Now you decide to protest? Not war, not torture, not losing jobs overseas to unethical business, ecological, and labor policies. No, you're going to protest now. About taxes. That don't affect you. That is Guiness Book of World Records stupid. Weren't these the same people, just a couple of years ago, crying because there were people protesting the Bush regime and their failed plan for world domination? "Don't you want America to win?" Wasn't that the phrase of the day? But now you idiots protest? Because in order to repair the damage done by your dark lords we have to tax rich people? Or are you telling me that all these unbathed, toothless, sorry excuses for humans are rich people? Oh, no, wait. They're just placeholders for the criminally rich companies who are mad because their eight-year free ride is over. Please someone explain the logic here. What's that? You can't? That's because it makes no goddamned sense.

Go Somali Pirates.

What a big giant dipshit.

2009-05-08T20:50:00.010-04:00

This guy, Mark Davis:

Was filling in for Fat Toad on his radio program and said this pearl of unfortunate wisdom: "It (waterboarding) isn't torture, because we do it (waterboarding) to our own people. Special Forces trainees are subjected to it (waterboarding) as part of training to show them what might happen if they fall into evil hands. (waterboarding, apparently)"

Without throwing my laptop out of a window, let me try to make sense of this and try to explain in small, simple words for our conservative friends why this is quite possibly the dumbest thing ever uttered.

First, the fact that we are training special forces members in waterboarding preparedness should they fall into "evil hands" is probably a good idea. It makes sense. If you're ready for what's coming, you're less likely to break. So in turn I can see how one might come to the conclusion that the waterboarding technique is not, in fact, torture. Wait, no, no I can't. Because to come to that conclusion would require brain damage.

So this is how it is, people: Waterboarding is torture. Stop trying to act like it isn't. Half the reason those "evil hands" are evil is because they waterboard people. The other half is because they are brown. And to compare waterboarding done as part of a training routine, where the subject knows that all hell would break loose and hundreds of people would be sued should something tragic happen to them, to waterboarding done as part of an interrogation where the subject knows that no one cares if they die are two entirely different things. By saying they're the same is admitting that we are the "evil hands." Way to not hate america, conservatives.

Work is for morons.

2009-05-02T15:20:00.004-04:00

With everyone crying about our economic recession (from here on known as: The Great Depression II), I've come to a realization. Actually it's not a realization, so much as something I've known for a long time, but have recently stopped fooling myself into thinking it was just me. And that realization is that work is for idiots. When I say "work" I don't refer to the non-work work of office personnel, or front office douchebags, because these people don't work. I'm also not referring to voluntary work, such as yardwork, cleaning, preparing dinner, etc. The work I am talking about is the work of laborers, shop floor, construction, and factories. And for all you people who do get paid to do nothing in an office who I hear cry about how hard their day is, please go die. You have no idea how good you have it. Allow me to enlighten you:

Bullshit #1: Co-workers

99% of all bitching by office con artists is about their co-workers. This could include everyone from the kid who makes copies far too slowly to the office manager who expects far more out of his subordinates than they are being paid for. Yes all of these things make office-wide killing sprees sound like a good idea.

Bullshit #2: Equipment

The last 1% of office personnel griping is equipment that doesn't work. Copiers, computers, elevators, automatic doors, staplers, whatever. Nothing works like it's supposed to, and people begin to shit themselves because they absolutely must have twenty copies of some memo that only one person really gives a shit about, as if not having twenty retarded memos means that the world will suddenly spiral into the sun.

That's a bunch of bullshit to deal with, I admit. But the next time your useless ass wants to complain about it, here's what you should do instead: Take all the shit you deal with on a day-to-day basis; the inbred co-workers, the half-wit bosses, and the broken equipment, and do your work without air conditioning. Do your work without a chair. Better yet, take your shit outside and do your work in the rain, or the opressive heat of the summer, or the oppressive heat and rain. The next time you have to make those twenty tree-murdering copies of worthless information, when you're done pick up the copier and carry it to another office (if you can't lift it, that's not our problem, just find a way). While you're busy stapling those twenty memos, staple your fingers a few times, pull the staples out, apply a band-aid, and continue stapling. Every time you log on to your computer, splash yourself in the face with some thirty-year-old hydraulic oil. If you do all of that, then you will know what factory workers, construction workers, and laborers deal with every day. And only then are you allowed to open your stupid mouth. If not, then do everyone a favor and stop being a bitch. And if your response to all of that is: "Well, I work smarter, not harder..." you should be beaten with a shovel. You don't work smarter. You bullshit better.

But the point of all this isn't to deride office workers, no matter how much fun it is. It is to inform the denizens of western society that work, in its true sense, is a fucking waste of time. Why? If you were presented with a situation in which you ran ten miles as fast as you could repeatedly over the course of a year, and at the end of the year you would get twenty thousand dollars but some other fuckface that you didn't know, and who wasn't running at all would get a million dollars, would you do it? Not if you had a brain you wouldn't. Yet we do it all the time, and actually get upset when the worthless fuckface doesn't get his million. Are you kidding me? Why would anyone do such a fucking stupid thing? I finally realized why. Because we live in a world that is set up by the fuckface. These assholes have made it so that you can't survive unless you run those ten miles over and over all year long. So why not start your own business? Why not run the race on your own and keep the enitire prize? Because you'll be disqualified, that's why. If fuckface doesn't make his millions, then nobody will, and that's the system we live in. The system we've allowed to take over our lives.

My solution: stop. Stop running. Stop consuming. Stop letting our lives be dictated by fuckface and his vile kin. Let these cumbags run their own worthless equipment in the heat and dirt, and see how long it takes for the entire world to collapse.

7 People Who Need Their Oxygen Turned Off

2009-04-27T19:21:00.000-04:00

The world is full of undeserving shitbags who should be systematically hunted, tortured, and destroyed. This glorious majority is the sole reason why life on this planet is not awesome. Not war, or famine, or natural disasters, but these walking trainwrecks of humanity. And so I give you these seven reasons why abortion should be mandatory.

#7: Phil Knight, former CEO of Nike

Phil Knight is a scumbag on two different levels. He built a brand that ushered in an age of unfettered athlete worship that was annoying about two minutes after it began, and he did it all on the back of child labor. Way to go you rich, white, fucknut. You get the "Every Reason Why The Rich Need To Be Eradicated" award. And for the Republicans who laud his entrepreneur spirit and philanthropy, you should be forced to work 80 - 90 hours a week for 50 cents. And so should your kids. Oh yeah, about that philanthropy business: it all went to the University of Oregon's athletic department, because Knight is a cumstain.

#6: Bill O'Reilly, commentator

Bill O'Reilly in an asshole of the worst kind. The assholes who are not only proud of their asshole status, but make far too good a living off of it. How in the name of all that is holy can anyone land a job where their only task is to say whatever idiotic idea comes into their head. In the sane world that's called an intern, and they don't get fucking paid. If this prize of the douche community isn't berating someone for some imagined wrong, he's lecturing someone for some imagined wrong. How he's gone so long without getting kicked in the nuts is beyond me.

#5: Edward Libby, former CEO of AIG

Anyone who follows the news of America's impending doom knows the name Edward Libby. He was the CEO of the failed pyramid scheme known as AIG. After scamming their way into ruin, AIG begged for a handout, and then took that handout and wiped their ass with it, paying out bonuses to the very imbeciles who demolished the company. Americans get worked up over panhandlers who beg for a few bucks and then use it to buy drugs and booze, but when these useless asswipes did the same thing with millions of dollars the reaction seemed to be more like: "Aww, that's not right..." And how the entire function of American commerce got tied to the fate of these world class jackoffs only makes me think that you all got what you deserved.

#4: Sean Hannity, commentator

Another proud-to-be-a-useless-drain-on-intellect shit peddler, Sean Hannity has made a career of bilking easily riled anti-thinkers. Much like a televangalist, he cares not for things like facts, logic, or reason. Instead he uses broad out-of-context snippets to instill rage and panic into the mindless sheep that watch his show. It's baffled me how these smug vaginas can keep getting away with their nonsense without someone calling them on their bullshit, all the time, until I realized that the only people who listen to them are brain-dead mongoloids.

#3: Rush Limbaugh, commentator

Rush earns a special place near the top of this list, and could have been number one, except that his only crime involves saying things that should, if there was any justice in the world, get him beaten with a dildo. Preferrably a black one. The covert rascism would be enough, but the fact that it comes from a fat toad magnifies it exponentially. His hard-on for anything not Republican is like that guy who can't get past the fact that he was the high school quarterback at one time before his life spiraled into a mess of wife-beating fruitlessness. You were an asshole when you were quarterback, and the fact that you can't let that go only makes you a bigger asshole. Limbaugh speaks for an entire miniscule portion of humanity that God invented fatal car crashes for.

#2: Dick Cheney, despot

If you have a hand in decimating a super power through bad decisions, and idiotic stubbornness, then you are a cock with no redeeming value. The glaringly stupid things that Cheney said while in office made anyone with half a brain want to stab themselves in the face. His grasp on reality is questionable at best, and the fact that anyone listened to him at all instead of kicking him down a flight of stairs is remarkable. Not only was he listened to, he got an entire country to go running off to the middle east like a bunch a cavemen hunting mammoth. Except that cavemen were intelligent. Add to this the fact that he was once CEO of a huge defense contractor and that said contractor recieved no-bid contracts to clean up the mess his people made, and it's shocking that he hasn't had his rich, useless ass car-bombed.

#1: Michael Vick, terrorist

If you are an athlete, and your actions cause you to be ranked higher than a war criminal, or child-labor advocate on any list, then you should just do everyone a favor and kill yourself in the most slow and painful way possible. And on that note I present you with the number one failed collection of cells on the face of the planet: Michael Vick. Fighting dogs to the death is only entertaining to people who deserve to be injected forcefully with HIV and then forced to fight lions in public arenas with their hands tied behind their back while everyone else laughs at them. Vick is the reason nuclear war can't come fast enough: innocent people, who have done nothing but try to make things slightly better get anally raped and tortured, but a scumbag like Michael Vick was given millions of dollars and the adoration of fans while he forced dogs to brutally attack one another. And if they didn't attack one another they were killed in the least humane way Vick could think of. Which is why anyone in prison with Vick who rapes, brutalizes, and torments this waste of life before killing him should automatically get parole, a parade and a medal for each act. I wish cancer on your entire family Michael.

Eight women I am unappropriately attracted to...

2009-04-27T19:19:00.000-04:00

(and who I'll never meet, but even if I did they would probable call the cops right after delivering a faceful of pepper-spray)

Usually when I see an attractive woman on TV or in a movie, I think to myself: "she's kinda hot," and maybe masturbate later on. But then the affair is over and I move on. These eight women, however, should probably get restraining orders on me right now, just to be safe. And the sad thing is that there is no logical reason behind my (near mental patient) obsession.

#8 Edie Falco

Best known as Carmella Soprano, Edie has also starred in movies and plays, none of which I know anything about. I do know she was also in the HBO series "Oz" as one of the COs which is probably where my unhealthy yearnings began. I usually despise the whole Jersey Girl thing, but Edie can get away with it.

#7 Kari Byron

From Discovery channel's Mythbusters, Kari is such a science geek it's not even funny. All those brains in such a hot package makes me think a deal with the devil happened somewhere. It's the natural order of things that you either get looks or brains, not both. I'll see you in hell Kari.

#6 Emma Watson

While most men joke (and by joke I mean they're serious but they say it's a joke to keep from getting arrested) about the Olsen twins, my pedophile-creator award goes to Emma Watson of the Harry Potter franchise. And yes, I thought she was hot in the first movie, so fuck off.

#5 Layla Kayleigh

Now that I've admitted to pedophilia, let's have someone who will make me feel slightly better about my fucked up self. Layla Kayliegh from G4 is super-hot, and has that british accent that coming from a beautiful woman makes me want to do nothing but touch boobies. So there you go, I'm not so bad after all. What, she's a lesbian? Dammit!

#4 Rachel Maddow

Rachel Maddow has a radio show on Air America and a TV show on MSNBC. Between her smile and her political nerdness, I can't help myself. She touches off every liberal nerve in my body, I don't care what anyone says. She's also a lesbian? Wonderful.

#3 Stephanie Courtney

Stephanie Courtney is not as well known as her counterpart:

That's right, she's the Progressive girl. And while I should loathe her and everything she stands for, I find that I cannot. She has cast some spell over me, making me watch Progressive insurance commercials with more enthusiasm than I do with most porn. The bubbly attitude, the bad use of pop culture, and the fact that it's a fucking car insurance ad do nothing to dampen my longing. Which leads me to believe that Stephanie is some kind of enchantress.

#2 Elizabeth Mitchell

Of all the women on Lost, Elizabeth Mitchell is the hottest. You can have your Kate, and Sun, and Claire, and whoever, but I'm all about Juliette. I just want to bury my head in her cleavage and cry. Like a baby. And then get spanked... man I'm a fucking mess.

#1 Kathryn Erbe

You may have seen her on Law and Order: Criminal Intent as Eames, but I remember when she starred in a little comedy with Bill Murray called "What About Bob" as Richard Dreyfuss' daughter... Richard Dreyfuss' teenage daughter. There goes the whole: "just kidding... I'm not a pedophile" rap, I guess. She also was in HBO's "Oz" and was naked for all of three seconds. I need a new copy of that DVD because mine was damaged... because I dropped it. No, really I did. I usually only watch Law and Order if I haven't already seen the episode, or if it's an episode I've seen seven hundred times because Kathryn Erbe is in it. And, yes, I know I need help.

Your Kids Suck.

2009-04-27T19:18:00.001-04:00

Okay, parents, I'm calling you on your bullshit. You've gotten away with allowing your hell-spawn to run rampant for far too long. I'm tired of everyone excusing your worthless asses simply because you have kids, as if it takes some kind of rocket science to merge cells into a miniature version of every-reason-why-I-want-to-see-you-all-dead. I don't have kids, because I choose not to deal with the screaming, crying, disrespecting, dumpster decorations. Now, if I wouldn't even like my own kids, why should I be forced to deal with yours? Fuck you and your failed abortions. Its time for a new rule: strangers have every right to kick the shit out of your kids if you, the parents, are too pussified to deal with them. And don't give me this: "If you lay a hand on your kids these days someone will call social services on you..." bullshit. Not our problem. Your sticky, cheetoes-covered, loud, annoying, mini-psychopath is our problem, and it's time you stop forcing us to deal with it. So instead of worrying about some imagined social-services hotline call, why don't you worry about something you can control and show the rodent the back of your hand. And for all the movie theaters, restaurants, and other public places that I might find myself, it's time to enact a child ban. During certain hours of the day, there will be no children under twenty-one allowed. Period. That goes double for any retail store. Because the next useless vermin that disrupts my day by screaming at the top of their lungs because they want some sugar-only concoction next to the cash register, or a video game, or because the movie is too scary is getting punted. I move for a law that allows child-punting. And for those who have kids that think I'm being too harsh, I have two words for you: pull out. Those of us on this planet who are not retarded are begging you.

Die Wall Street Die

2009-04-27T19:17:00.001-04:00

I have to say it somewhere. Why, please god tell me why, do we let these vile human beings rule us so absolutely? The vile human beings I speak of? Corprate execs. Bank CEOs. Stock brokers. That's who. Yeah, I know being anti-corporate is all the rage, what with bailouts going to lavish, unearned bonuses for these worthless shitpiles. But my anti-corporate-ism goes much deeper. I want these people run out on pain of death. I want lynchings. I want firing squads. And I want their institutions burnt to the ground. And for any who think that is an overreaction I say this: there is a very simple rule to follow in life. Do not fuck with a man's family, food, or money. There is no reason not to comprehend this. And if your greed/stupidity leads you to break this very simple rule, you deserve no sympathy.
And these asswipes have fucked with more than one man's money. We seem to be stuck in some kind of capitalist fantasy where this last part of the rule does not apply. I hear no end to nonsense like: "treat your job as if you owned a business." No that doesn't work. That's just an excuse to let companies get away with low pay for bullshit work. It's time we start valuing ourselves and our time (because that's what we're being paid for) and stop letting these fucksticks hold us hostage with overseas labor exploitation, value-added fear mongering, and bottom-line bullshit. Do not fuck with another man's money. I can't say it any easier for your simplistic capitalist brains.
With all the talk of getting back the money stolen from the bailouts to pay these least-productive people in our society, I have heard taxation, lawsuits, and numerous other ideas. I support none of them. You want that money back, take these rich, white, worthless scumbags and make them fill potholes. Make them mow lawns, wash cars, clean shit from public bathrooms, whatever. And you can even pay them minimum wage.